Akio and the kid
by deadlyemotion
Summary: This may be the first Akio-daddy fic ever. What happens when A kid is left on Akio's doorstep


Author: Elaina-sama (Deadlyemotion@yahoo.com) Description: This is a truly twisted fic, Thank Te-chan for the idea, what happens when Akio finds a kid on his door step with a little note posted on him. Will Anthy stand for the new arrival? Will Akio survive? Disclaimer: Ok, for one I don't own the cast of Utena, but if I did my fic would probably be a lot better because there wouldn't be some long ass disclaimer in the beginning of it ruining all of your fun. All situations were thought up by me, but the idea of an Akio daddy fic was just way too good to pass up for anything. I don't own any of the characters involved other than the kid who is a total figment of my imagination even though he strangely reminds me of my little brother. Some Shojo-ai references, and a few penis references, a little innuendo and some moaning but other than that, and cursing it's a good clean fun fic.  
  
I think I know why you are all here; you want to know about the kid. Well, I think this all started around the time of midterms. Everyone knows that most of the time a stressed student is the best, ever. Anyway I was in a pretty good mood; I had seduced this cute girl who was in a piano class. She who like all my conquests was moaning and screaming  
"More Akio, more!" It was getting rather boring, she was like all the others, and anyway I was in the middle of making her scream Touga's name when my doorbell rang. I was in the middle of thinking; wait is there a doorbell for an office? I made her wait for me and I went to go answer the door. There was this kid, he looked about five he looked up at me with his beady little bug eyes, right above those eyes there was a post-it note that was stuck to the kid's forehead.  
AKIO! This little shit is yours, I don't want you have it!  
I looked at the note, and the kid, and the note again, blinked a couple times. The kid then jumped at me, I raised my arm to defend my self from the kids attack.  
"YOU'RE MY DADDY!" The kid screamed at the top of his abnormally high- pitched voice.  
"I'm your wattie? The word 'daddy' is not in my dictionary sorry." The kid fell to the ground, his beady bug eyes burst into violent tears.  
"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" That little shit just sat there wailing until Utena came bounding in to find out what was going on. She stood there in my doorway looking at me holding the kids mouth shut firmly with my hand. Utena just slammed the door, then she reopened it about the time the little shit bit my hand, I wailed in pain and anguish as the kid bit harder. Utena fell backwards and promptly passed out on my floor. I saw then my chance to get Utena and finally close the deal that had taken me so long; I reached out to grab her when the kid let out a shriek that would have made a banshee jealous. I turned around to beat the living hell out of the kid who was running around my nice clean planetarium throwing everything that wasn't too heavy for him to pick up. Screaming,  
"DADDY YOU HATE ME!" The female student I was working my magic on earlier ran as fast as she could out the door, I on the other hand was looking for a gun.  
When Utena came around later on that day I was waiting for her, the kid, however was tied and gagged on Touga's bed. As I sat in the comfy leather chair next to the bed Utena was in, I laughed to myself thinking what Touga face would look like when he saw the kid bound and gagged on his bed.  
Suddenly a sound like other could be heard all around the campus, I think the only sound that compares to the sound that Touga made would be the sound a dying giraffe makes. Then there was the thumping of feet as Touga rushed in holding the kid by the leg.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS LITTLE BEAST?" Touga yelled. I smirked, and then calmly said.  
"Oh better get on to those Chem. lab students looks like they tried human cloning again." Touga fell to the floor, the kid proceeding to jump up and down on his head. Then my little sister walked into the room.  
"Onii-sama," She paused for a second taking in the whole scene, "dinners ready." She turned and left the room. I touched a finger to my forehead.  
"I'm completely surrounded by idiots." ~*~  
It was dinner time, I had this unusual idea that the child would be at dinner creating more havoc, gee what a surprise I was right. The kid came bounding into the room with highlighter all over his face; he had been playing in my desk, and proceeded to sit right next to me. Where he took the fork and knife and banged it into the table so hard that the wood cracked and the finish scraped. Anthy walked into the room just as I started to hit the child over the head. Anthy laid the food on the table and smiled sweetly and walked out of the room, I dropped my hands and asked God what I did to deserve this. I could have sworn I heard in my head a voice that said,  
"You're name has ties to Lucifer, you seduce young children, ugh do I need to make you a list?" I rubbed my head violently and cried in anguish. The kid looked up at me with mashed potatoes all over his face, he pointed his fat little finger at me.  
"Sumpting wong wif daddy?" He asked; his mouth was so crammed with food I'm personally amazed I could make out a concise sentence.  
"No, just God and everyone else hates me," I said with I sigh.  
"It twiil be oday addy." He said, and hugged me; suddenly I didn't care about the mashed potatoes all over his hands. I wrapped my arm around the kid's head, I don't know why but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I two people outside, I turned my head to see and there was Utena, Touga, and Saionji. There was a flash of light and Utena pulled the Polaroid out of the camera. She shook it in her hand and smiled.  
"Wow, Akio is actually showing something other than his penis affection." Touga said with a wide smirk. I had the sudden urge to beat him senseless with that camera Utena was holding. Utena just stood there, she looked as if she was calculating in her head the meaning of what was being said but never quite made it. The kid quickly went to work on gobbling down every last bit of food on the table. I stood up, brushed the mashed potatoes off and went to work on sweeping Utena off her feet. Saionji pushed his hand between Utena and me.  
"I would love to stay here all day but I have matters to attend to, I'm not here to see some five year old brat that Akio got stuck with." Saionji said, only the slightest hint of annoyance in his voice. I decided my plan was already ruined why bother with trying to fix it. Touga and Saionji lead me outside and then when it looked like we were leaving the area they stopped.  
"Akio, do you think it's a good idea to heave Anthy and Utena stay together?" Touga asked. I pondered his question for a moment.  
"What do you mean by, 'is it a good idea'? Are you trying to hint there is a problem with the rose bride being with the current winner of the duels, because if you had a problem with it I didn't hear you two gripe about it after you had sex with her?" I said; Touga's face turned a bright shade of crimson.  
"No, what I meant is, well you see." Touga started but Saionji quickly cut him off.  
"We think Utena's giving off a gay vibe, like she's a dyke?"  
"You would think Juri would have gotten her by now if she was." Touga said, my head throbbed first I get a kid on my doorstep and now Touga is worried about Utena playing the field? Well, maybe a better expression would be playing for the other team. Anyway, a week or two passed with the kid around and it never once bothered me to wonder what his name is or what his mothers name was, he just frolicked about and answered to the kid. It really started bugging me after a while so I decided I would find out. It was rather early in the morning I would have guessed two a.m. or so, of course the kid was up; you see kids have this radar that detects the most inconvenient time for you to be awake and of course wake you and everyone for three miles around. So the kid was jumping up and down on the bed right next to my head jamming his knees into my temples when he fell over. When I finally lumbered out of bed I looked like all hell had broke loose, or should I say all heaven? Anyway so I come into the kitchen to see what Anthy had cooked for me this fine Saturday morning. When I walked into the kitchen and was greeted to the smell of warm pancakes. When I looked around however there was not a pancake in sight for miles around. "Anthy, where is all the food?" I asked very much not wanting a bad answer, what I was greeted with was the little kid. "I think he ate it all." She said very calmly. I moaned and dropped into the nearest chair. "Who are you after all, you got a name?" The kid looked confused. Anthy took her cue and plugged one of the kid's ears as I screamed into his other ear. "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" After that the kid finally started to understand. "Lacy Renee Brittney Francesca De' la quack quack." I just looked at the rosewood table that had been repaired two days earlier and smashed my head into it. This isn't your normal bang your head into a table I smashed it into that table with all the might I could muster. I personally think the only other human being to hit their head that hard and survive may have been Urishima Keitero*. I hit my head repeatedly, over and over again into that solid rosewood table. Everything else after that is kind of fuzzy but I remember campus mental squad, or the men in white suits, came and put me in a straight jacket. The next thing I remember was sitting on my leather couch, Anthy was in front of me naked with her hair going in scary angles. I proceeded to lay her out on the couch when I heard a sound that still to this day strikes a fear in me that is untold. "Daddy what are you doing to Aunt Anthy?" Lacy was standing in the doorway scratching his head. I left Anthy and went to go try and explain my way out of this one, but have you ever just felt this heat on your back and knew someone was staring bullets at you. Well for some strange reason I felt it right then. It was completely the craziest thing I had ever felt. The next day I sat down in the chair right next to the kitchen. I had Utena watch Lacy to make sure I got breakfast this morning. The kid ran in and Anthy served us pancakes with chocolate chips. My pancakes said  
ONII-SAMA! I couldn't quite make out what Lacey's pancakes said but I think it said  
BURN IN HELL, BITCH Anthy sat down next to Utena and we all began to eat, that was the first normal breakfast since Lacy was left maliciously on my doorstep by some woman. Now, when I say that it was normal, Utena was being felt up by Anthy; the kid was gobbling down everything in sight regardless of whose plate it was on and I was enjoying the meal. Now you see I don't ask for much, just a quiet breakfast. The next few weeks went by without incident, of course how much can possibly happen when Kanine is out with her grandmother. The week was drawing nigh when she would be back with every last bit of her annoying personality. Utena promised to take the kid for a few weeks while I desperately tried to explain Kanine into another week in the Andes or in the beach house in Malibu. I called her that night and told her that there was an outbreak of Moo'de la quack quack at the school and that this virus was one of the most horrible around, and the school would be quarantined for six months while we wait for the quarantine to be lifted. She ate up every last word of it and when I hung up she was crying and yelling at god to ensure my safety. I rolled my eyes, she would probably scream for another hour or so before she even knew I was gone. I spent the rest of my week laying in my planetarium and enjoying my time with out the kid. I even enjoyed the pleasures of the school skipping from girl to girl singing to myself. "Akio, you're gonna lay everyone, you're gonna lay everyone." Then my high was broken when Utena came to my office holding the kid on one of those leashes they make for little kids, the ones that look like full body harnesses. She was holding the end of the leash in her hand, her hair looked ruffled and she had huge bags under her eyes. She gave the leash to me and turned to leave, sprinting to the nearest elevator and not stopping until she made it into the elevator. So once again the kid was in my possession, well I think that's a good point to leave off for now. I have a meeting in the planetarium.  
  
*Urishima Keitero - The main character in Love Hina, since he is always being beaten to death by scary girls it's understood in theory Keitero is  
immortal.  
  
I know all of you are like I don't want it to end, well I was thinking about changing viewpoints to Utena or Touga or something, if it does all the titles will be changed to reflect who is speaking, if I deicide that it looks good this way then the fic will stay in Akio's perspective only and  
there will be no change in the title.  
  
~E 


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